Army Men: Sarge's Heroes

Overall: D
Violence: C-
Sexual Content: A-
Language: A
Drugs/Alcohol: A

Platform reviewed: Nintendo 64
Publisher: 3DO
ESRB rating: T

Remember those miniature plastic soldiers that were an integral part of many a youngster's toy box? The transition from reality to make-believe was instantaneous. Whenever I assumed command of my troops, shag rugs would transform into jungles, sandboxes became deserts, and my sister's cat looked a lot like a tank. Fierce battles lasted for hours, sometimes days. And while I slept at night there was always a sentry standing guard on my headboard, constantly on the lookout for that stupid cat...er... I mean tank. Well, it appears my little toy soldiers have become passé in today's technology oriented entertainment industry, but their next generation combat cousins have come to life in 3DO's Army Men: Sarge's Heroes...

Venturing into virtual combat, you assume the role of Sarge, commander of an elite platoon of green plastic soldiers. Your enemy is General Plastro and his dreaded force of tan-colored (also plastic) men. Mission objectives, presented at the start of each level, are carried out on a wide variety of battlefields including backyards, kitchens and bathrooms. In order to accomplish assigned tasks, you must recover various weapons scattered about each level. Normally, grenades and guns will dispatch your two-legged opposition, but heavier artillery such as mines and bazookas are required when taking out things like tanks. Keep in mind that your enemy is evil and will think nothing of using the dreaded magnifying glass--a weapon that can reduce plastic soldiers to sticky puddles in mere seconds (apparently Plastro's troops have chosen to ignore the Geneva Convention banning such inhumane weapons).

Perhaps it's because I've outgrown my toy box, but the novelty of this game wears off in about five minutes. And it doesn't even take that long to realize the plastic toy premise is only a thinly veiled disguise for the industry's basic shooter formula. Once again, the game exists merely to satiate the desire to destroy anything that moves.

But even if violence wasn't the main theme of Sarge's Heroes, it would still fall short of a passing grade due to poor camera movement--a source of frustration whenever obstacles block your view. Imagine your character standing against a west wall. You know there are a few tan guys just around the corner to the north. With a finger ready to pull the trigger, you turn the corner and... wait for the camera to catch up. In the meantime, you've taken about ten hits, your health is dangerously low, and now someone's using you for bazooka target practice.

Sorry, I'll take my outdated toy soldiers any day; at least those battles exercised creativity and imagination... even my sister's cat enjoyed them (I think).

Jim Fleming

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